Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
