the new term for farting is butt boxing.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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