____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
