i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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