My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
