Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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