oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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