i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
