Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
