Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
