I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
