only you would photoshop your dick
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
