She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
