Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.