It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
