he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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