did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
