you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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