Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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