He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
