I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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