It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
why didn't you poke me back
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Come on in and take your pants off
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