Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
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