i would punch a child for taco bell
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
