The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
