my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
