upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
