Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
