sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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