I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
