My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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