Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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