Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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