he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Randomize
