Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
