I accidentally had phone sex last night
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
my nose is crying tears of wow.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
