i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
