The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
