FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
