so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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