Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
