Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
