my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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