Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
