Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
