God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
