The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
