They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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