my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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