I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
