i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
