i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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