I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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