I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
