If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
