you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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