May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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