I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
